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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24789445">Heartbeat</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternalElegy/pseuds/EternalElegy'>EternalElegy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>JunIba Day 6/18/2020, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 07:21:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,598</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24789445</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternalElegy/pseuds/EternalElegy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jun isn't sure why Ibara's heartbeat calmed him down so much, but as time went on, the answer became clear.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Saegusa Ibara/Sazanami Jun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Heartbeat</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Jun thought that he would have already gotten used to the nerves on stage. Not only was he horribly wrong, but as the stakes of each of these lives got higher, he was finding it harder and harder to keep his emotions under control. Hours and hours of practice drilled his singing and dancing enough into him that if his brain froze on stage his body could still go on, but the possibility of failure haunted him in the back of his mind. He was the only one who didn’t have overflowing amounts of talent and he wouldn’t be where he was now without the rest of Eden (especially Hiyori), and since he was indebted to them for accommodating him, any mistake would be fatal for his career. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everyone had good days and bad days and Jun knew that, but it turned out that he had a particularly bad day before a live show.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun could hear the deafening pounding of his heart as he rubbed his clammy hands together in an attempt to warm them up. The gloves were fairly thin and did nothing to help, and he mentally cursed that this was happening to him before a live and not during some practice session or something. Even though he had gone through a warm up with the rest of Eden, he felt cold and uncomfortable at his core.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Jun-kun!” Hiyori called his name, practically throwing his body on him in a hug from the side. The force almost knocked him over.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Goddamn Ohii-san, what was that for?” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You don’t look so good, so I thought that some love might help cheer you up!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Usually it was annoying whenever Hiyori was touchy, but this time, the warmth of another human being wore away some of the tension. Jun didn’t respond, and elected to savour it as much as possible because there wasn’t much time left that they could spend standing around before they had to head up on stage. Several minutes flew by far more quickly than Jun would have liked.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Is everything okay?” Hiyori asked suddenly.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’m alright, you can let me go.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No no, it wouldn’t do for you to go up on stage like this, that’s bad weather!” The green-haired man continued to hold him. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Thanks.” Jun did his best to relax into the hug. Hiyori hummed in satisfaction.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry to break the atmosphere, but it’s almost time!” Ibara announced. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“... I will go a little earlier.” Nagisa said in response, making his way to the door of their waiting room. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You can go ahead, Ibara! We’ll catch up.” Hiyori didn’t take his eyes off Jun.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It’s okay, Ohii-san. You can go.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Hmm?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I want to spend some time by myself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hiyori hesitated before letting go. “I trust you! Show our audience the amazing Jun Sazanami that I know and love, okay?” Jun couldn’t help but smile.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah. I’ll see you later.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ibara and Jun were alone in the room. The former turned to leave, but stopped himself.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“His Highness is really pushing his luck, leaving you alone like this.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“So what? I can’t just rely on everyone else all the time, I have to be able to stand on my own two feet.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It’s also our loss if things go badly because of you.” Ibara walked closer to Jun. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What are you trying to say?” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’m going to help you.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What if I don’t want your help?” Jun was wary. Ibara kept up an almost impenetrable wall at all times and it was impossible to see what he was thinking in most situations.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you not trust me as your producer and a fellow member of Eden?” Even in this situation, Ibara was smiling, like some predator stalking its prey. Straining his relationship with Ibara of all people was never going to end well, but at the same time, Jun would be lying if he said that he trusted him completely.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You already know the answer.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Ah, good good, so at least you have trust in my intuition! In any case, you will receive my help regardless of whether you like it or not~”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The amount of distance between Ibara and Jun was getting smaller by the second and Jun didn’t like it one bit.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I think you should enjoy it while it lasts!” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Enjoy wha-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ibara pulled Jun into a hug, fully pressing his body against his. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I read an article about the effects of physical intimacy on mood, so I am putting that knowledge to use!” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I thought you hated hugs.” Jun responded flatly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If it’s for the success of Eden, then it’s worth the effort!”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“But you don’t even know whether it’ll work for me specifically.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I know that it works from watching His Highness do it to you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun sighed and returned the embrace, deciding to accept the reality of things. Hiyori had hugged him from the side while Ibara was hugging him from the front. For some reason, the extra contact was making Ibara’s hug more effective than Hiyori’s, and it unsettled Jun that Ibara was just doing this to make him perform better on stage, not because he genuinely cared for him and wanted to show affection. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun did his best to focus on his breathing and the physical sensation of being hugged, pushing aside all the other thoughts about why Ibara was doing this and how he got into this situation in the first place. Ibara’s breathing was slower than his, so he tried to match it, and fortunately he was successful. The man Jun was hugging wasn’t as soft as Hiyori; in fact Ibara was quite the opposite, having built up muscle from going to the gym regularly despite a busy schedule. That didn’t make the hug any less comfortable; there was a sense of security to hugging someone who was firmer to touch and it was a nice change of pace to his annoying senior who would throw themselves onto him every now and then.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun’s heart no longer felt like it was going to jump out of his chest, and most of the tension in his body drained away. There was never going to be a live when he was not nervous, but at least it was now under control. He focussed his mind on the beating of his heart, which was now gentler than before, but he also felt something else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ibara’s heartbeat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was faint and Jun had to strain to feel it, but it was there. The heart was something that kept everyone running, including Ibara and all of his talent, personality and experiences. Its sound was the one thing that let Jun know that the Ibara in front of him was truly alive.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Can we take off our coats and hug?” Jun asked suddenly.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Hmm? Why?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I want to feel your heartbeat.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they broke the hug, Jun’s gaze met Ibara’s. Ibara was almost always unreadable and he definitely wasn’t readable now, but Jun wondered what Ibara was thinking currently. Usually, Ibara was above Jun as a producer and a vice-president, but now, it was as if they were standing as equals.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ibara wordlessly obeyed, slipping off his coat while Jun did the same, and they resumed the hug. Now that they were only in grey shirts, Jun could feel Ibara’s heartbeat more strongly than ever. After some thought, he realised that this was not a resting pace; Ibara’s heart was going faster than normal, but it made sense considering that there was a performance coming up. Usually, Ibara was calm and collected, and even as things turned south he was always quick to come up with a plan B, but for some reason it felt almost out of character that he was feeling nervous, even though it was completely normal considering the circumstances. Maybe it was because nervousness was a sign of weakness and Ibara was extremely good at covering his weaknesses. Jun guessed that it was the result of being involved in the business world for a good amount of his life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun suddenly questioned why Ibara accepted his request, but he recalled that Ibara had read an article about this. Maybe listening to the heartbeat of others was mentioned in it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll have to stop here for today.” Ibara announced, breaking the hug and putting his coat back on. “We need to get going.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah.” Jun did the same.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I see that your condition has improved significantly, and it’s all thanks to my research! Ahaha~”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now that Jun thought about it, the ice within him had completely melted and it was all warm and comfortable. He felt a lot more like himself, and he was more than ready to perform. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Let’s hurry, don’t want to worry Ohii-san.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’m sure that His Highness will be satisfied that you kept your promise.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Ibara?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yes?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Don’t tell him that you hugged me. He’ll get jealous and start annoying me more.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Understood! I will let him know that we held a conversation, if he asks.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That night as Jun lay in his bed, he couldn’t help but think about the hug that he shared with Ibara, and what disturbed him most was how </span>
  <em>
    <span>powerful</span>
  </em>
  <span> it was. After sharing body heat with him and feeling his heartbeat, suddenly it felt like everything was going to be okay and those hours and hours of practice were definitely going to show in his performance. His mood had changed so drastically that Jun was almost convinced that Ibara had used some psychological technique on him; that possibility made complete sense considering Ibara would have had to play mind games with those he interacted with for the purposes of business. After all, he weaponised every single word and action, and that was how he had managed to raise several companies from the ground up from such a young age. Jun thought about everything Ibara did, from becoming the vice president of Cosmic Production when he was barely an adult, to his successful work as a producer of Eden, to his presence on stage as a member of one of the top idol units in ES.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All of it, all of his personality, talent and memories, would be lost if his heart stopped beating.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That thought terrified Jun for a moment. It wasn’t like they were soldiers that could die at any moment, but the prospect of death scared him more than ever before. He thought about his traumatic childhood of being forced into his father’s footsteps, but then he thought of Ibara’s. He said that he had been abandoned as a baby, and then spent his childhood in an orphanage, and then in a military facility where he spent his days doing things like digging up mines and assembling guns… what kind of future would Ibara Saegusa have had if he had remained there? Would he have eventually gone out onto the battlefield and died had he not been discovered as a descendent of the Godfather? Jun couldn’t stop himself from picturing Ibara in full camouflage with a gun in hand, firing at enemy forces, and then his body crumpling as he got shot...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun realised at that moment that he </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> didn’t want Ibara to die. Of course, he wouldn’t have wanted anyone to die, but thinking about Ibara in particular made his chest hurt. Ibara was selfish and manipulative, but even though he hated those who pitied him for his upbringing, Jun couldn’t help but think about whether Ibara had ever been happy with a past like that. Was Ibara truly satisfied now that he was amongst the top of the food chain with immense amounts of power and authority? Some people would be satisfied with just that, but Jun wondered whether Ibara was one of those people, or if Ibara wanted something else entirely. Maybe he had some desire that was so deeply buried that he didn’t know what it was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ibara had a lot more to him than Jun had initially thought, and he wanted to remove that mask that Ibara wore all the time. Jun knew that it was already peeling off thinking about his actions towards the rest of Eden over the past year, but he wanted it off completely to see Ibara’s true self. What troubled Jun most was that he didn’t know why he had this urge. Was it because Ibara’s hug seemed so out of character?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Frustration got to Jun when his mind was so filled with Ibara that he could barely sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jun’s nervousness increased by tenfold when he found that Ibara was going to be instructing him instead of Hiyori for this particular practice session. Was it because he wasn’t sure what Ibara was going to do with that scheming mind of his? Even though Ibara had no apparent reason to do anything bad to him, Jun couldn’t help but feel uneasy at the prospect of being alone with Ibara in a soundproof practice room for two hours.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To attempt to put his mind at ease, Jun arrived early to warm up and stretch. Ever since ES was established and Ibara became the vice president of Cosmic Production, the producer had been turning up late to almost every single meeting with Eden. Jun guessed that it was due to Ibara’s increased workload, but Hiyori always made a point to tease him about it, and Nagisa always looked slightly dejected whenever Ibara failed to arrive on time. Right as the clock displayed their appointment time, Ibara entered the room, arriving dead on time down to the second.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Ahaha, looks like I’m on time! A shame that His Highness was unable to be here to witness my punctuality.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Why is Ohii-san not here?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“He had an unexpected change to his schedule. I was fortunately able to rearrange mine to take your lesson.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ibara set down his tablet and a bottle of electrolyte drink on a table in the corner before facing Jun.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Show me what Hiyori has taught you so far.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun sang and danced. At this point in time, he knew that imperfections were okay and if he were to make mistakes, now was the time, but he couldn’t help but feel anxious whenever he made eye contact with Ibara. Was he seriously getting nervous for doing a practice performance in front of just one person? Ibara had a lot to say afterwards, but as the lesson went on, Jun found it increasingly difficult to concentrate.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Let’s stop here and take a break. I’ll give you five minutes.” Ibara noticed his lack of focus immediately, handing Jun his drink and his towel. After taking a mouthful of cold liquid, he began to wipe down his sweat and noticed that Ibara had jumped onto his tablet and started working in the blink of an eye. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you even have free time?” Jun asked. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yes, of course I have free time after work. I imagine you do too.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What do you do in your free time?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Eat, go to the gym, sleep. Sometimes I’ll read.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“How often do you read?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Not often. I try to avoid sacrificing sleep.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“If your time is that tight, aren’t you going to overwork yourself?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I always make sure to schedule in sufficient breaks, so there is no need to worry about me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun set down his towel and drink and opted to pace the room to make up the rest of his break time. Ibara announced the end of the break much more quickly than he anticipated, and to Jun’s frustration, it didn’t help him at all. For some reason, he felt extremely exposed, especially whenever Ibara occasionally touched Jun in order to correct his form and movements. Half an hour later, Ibara stepped away and sighed, arms crossed.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“There’s something on your mind, Jun.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No, there isn’t.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You don’t have to lie to me. If there is a problem, please tell me. I’m your producer, you know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m just nervous that I’ve got so much to improve on and the group practice is tomorrow.” Jun blurted out. “I don’t want to let everyone down.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Ah, so that’s it.” Ibara paused to think for a moment. Jun felt embarrassed at having to tell Ibara; he should have gotten over it by now as he was not new to the idol scene, but instead it was a problem that came up after he had finally gotten the hang of things. He tried to comfort himself by telling himself that Ibara was the producer and it was important to tell the producer of any mental problems, but at the same time Ibara was younger than him by several months and he wasn’t having the same issue despite being in the same school year. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ibara broke the silence. “We still have quite a bit of time left, and I’d like to be able to use all the time in this lesson to help you improve. I’m going to resort to a temporary measure so that you can feel more prepared for tomorrow.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What is the temporary measure?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Take off your jacket.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Are you going to hug me?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yes. I’m also curious to see if it’s something that will work consistently.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ibara, out of all people, was offering to hug Jun. Jun decided that it was best to stop thinking and just take it, and he and Ibara left their jackets at the table. Ibara initiated the hug as if it was the most natural thing for him, and Jun was terribly confused at how he was able to do something like that when he didn’t like hugs, but Ibara’s warmth quickly enveloped him and the vast majority of Jun’s tension washed away almost immediately. He felt Ibara’s heartbeat; this time, it was a steady pulse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who would have thought that a person like you would enjoy hugs.” Ibara teased.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I don’t usually enjoy hugs. Ohii-san sometimes hugs me anyway and whenever he does, he squeezes the life out of me.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Perhaps that’s his way of showing affection.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Being suffocated doesn’t feel nice, that’s for sure.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Ah! Maybe next time we can have a fan meet event and your fans can hug you!” Jun’s face heated up at Ibara’s suggestion, even though he knew fully well that it was a joke.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’d rather die than participate in such an event.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Oh? But if you hate the idea so much then why are you so willingly holding onto me~?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I-It’s because… well…” Jun couldn’t bring himself to say that it was because he only accepted hugs from certain people. Before that live show, Hiyori was the only person he felt comfortable hugging, but for some reason, he didn’t mind Ibara doing it either. He hated to admit it, but Jun </span>
  <em>
    <span>preferred</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ibara’s hugs over Hiyori’s, mostly because Ibara wasn’t so annoying about it (and also because Jun didn’t appreciate getting crushed). What didn’t make sense to Jun was that he had this preference despite trusting Hiyori a billion times more than Ibara, whom he was noticeably more distant towards. Personal matters were an entirely different thing and Jun wasn’t sure whether Ibara was going to use this information to his advantage sometime in the future, and that felt unsettling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ibara laughed at Jun’s response. “Someone’s shy.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Shut up.” If it was Hiyori, Jun would have told him to die instead. Ibara only laughed harder, though Jun supposed that it was because he confirmed Ibara’s statement.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No need to get so defensive, just enjoy the moment while it lasts~”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun appreciated the silence that followed. It felt awkward every time he thought about the fact that they were hugging with no feelings for each other whatsoever. Despite it, Jun felt a sense of security in Ibara’s arms, and he was sure that he’d feel the same if it was Hiyori giving him the hug (when he wasn’t killing him), especially because Hiyori was taller. He paid attention to Ibara’s calmer heartbeat, and he calmed down a little himself while focusing on the rhythm. Jun had to stop himself from tapping it out with his finger on the small of Ibara’s back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was over too quickly and Ibara stepped away. Jun missed the warmth.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Let’s get back to practice, shall we?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jun couldn’t believe that he was having another bad day during an important interview. Eden had arrived in plenty of time and during the car ride, he could feel the ice begin to grow within and spread itself all through his mind and body, despite his efforts to push it down. He didn’t want to worry Hiyori and he wasn’t keen on hugging Ibara again; it was embarrassing and he didn’t want to cause more trouble to Ibara when he didn’t appreciate hugs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Right before the cameras rolled and the staff were checking things to make sure that everything was good to go, Jun made eye contact with Ibara as the latter glanced in his direction. Jun swore that he could see concern in those blue eyes, but it was gone in an instant as the director signalled that the show was about to begin. Fortunately, Jun didn’t have to do too much talking during the interview, but for whenever he did, he used up a good amount of his willpower to push down all the unpleasant feelings and showcase the calm and collected Jun Sazanami of Eden. Considering the way the rest of Eden smiled at him after it was all over, Jun guessed that he played his part well, and internally he breathed a huge sigh of relief.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After the interview, the driver sent them back to ES.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Jun, can I see you in my office? It won’t take long.” Ibara asked as they walked through the main entrance.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Okay, but what do you need to talk to me about?” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It’s something that requires privacy, so I’ll tell you when we get there.” At this, Nagisa and Hiyori turned their heads towards Jun and Ibara.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Hmm? Is it about Jun-kun’s performance? If that’s the case, then I have the right to know and join in on the conversation!” Hiyori spoke up.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“... I’m concerned about Jun too.” Nagisa offered his thoughts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, it’s got nothing to do with that, it’s regarding a work opportunity for specifically him!” Ibara replied with a smile. Hiyori glared back while Nagisa showed indifference. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You do anything bad to my precious Jun-kun and I’ll skin you alive.” Hiyori threatened. Ibara threw his hands up.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Oh no, please don’t give me such a scary look, Your Highness! It would be a loss for me if I harmed Jun too, you know!” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“... Hiyori-kun. Please have more trust in Ibara.” Nagisa put a hand on Hiyori’s shoulder.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Hmph!” The green-haired man crossed his arms and huffed. “Fine, I’ll let this one go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few minutes later, Jun and Ibara were alone in Ibara’s rather cosy office.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What is this about, Ibara? Were you really going to talk to me about work?” Jun asked as he took a seat opposite Ibara’s desk. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No, I called you here regarding your… anxiety.” Ibara cut straight to the point.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What about it?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’m sure you realise that you’re a bomb that could explode as soon as you’re without our support.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ibara was right. Jun’s nerves were really becoming uncontrollable and it would only be a matter of time before he made a fatal mistake.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you have any ideas?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It’s not uncommon for idols to have their own rituals before big events, but considering that yours relies on another person being with you, I recommend trying to find an alternative in the case the rest of us aren’t around. What did you do before to deal with stress?” Was Ibara becoming Jun’s counselor as well as his producer now?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I didn’t.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“His Highness didn’t give any advice regarding it?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“He’d just be annoying and that somehow worked, but it isn’t working anymore.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hmm… alright. I’ll tell him about this situation to get his thoughts.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you really going to tell him that we’ve been hugging each other?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No, unless you want me to?” Ibara’s lips turned upwards.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I think it’s best that you don’t.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Good to hear that we’re of the same opinion.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Ibara.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What is it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you doing this?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Why am I helping you? Because it’s of utmost importance that Eden remains as the strongest unit in ES! It won’t do to have one person to fall behind and drag down the rest.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I mean… no, other than that. There has to be another reason.” Jun pried. He knew that Ibara had pride and dignity and it seemed out of character for him to help so quickly when an intimate act was involved.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What do you mean? Are you sure you’re not overthinking things?” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You care about me, right?” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Of course! Otherwise your performance-”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No, I mean on a personal level.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ibara went silent. Considering what happened during SS, any talk about feelings was a sore spot for Ibara, but Jun decided that he had to confront it if he wanted to get to the bottom of this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jun, I hope you understand that I am a producer and you are an idol. I am in no position to get involved with you on an emotional level.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“But you were so willing to hug me that day.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I explained to you before that I was willing to put up with physical intimacy for the sake of Eden.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You could have tried talking with me before going to hug me, and yet you went straight for it. I want to know why, Ibara.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Why does this matter to you?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Because-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun didn’t know how to finish the sentence. His chest felt tight and he couldn’t explain what he was feeling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If you don’t know why then it’s best to drop the thought. Unfortunately my schedule is quite full for today so I’d greatly appreciate it if you could leave me to do my work.” Ibara turned on his computer.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“... Sorry. I’ll go now.” Jun stood up and left the office.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That night, the conversation that Jun had in Ibara’s office played itself over and over again, and he was sure that he had beaten himself up more than enough times about not being able to communicate his feelings. He had come back to the dorm in such a sour mood that Kohaku grew concerned, but he didn’t trust him enough to tell him what the problem was; after all, Kohaku was part of another certain troublesome idol group and he wasn’t keen on talking about something that was fairly intimate. It was late, and Jun knew that his mind wouldn’t settle down until he got to the bottom of this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Why did he want to know what Ibara’s motivations were so badly? The most obvious answer would have been that he had such a large amount of distrust in him that he wanted to know if he was about to get stabbed in the back, but Ibara had made it clear that he would have no reason to do so. If Jun was harmed in any way, so would Ibara as a producer and member of Eden. Ibara had also done so much work for Jun, from creating Eden, to plotting for SS, and then making the video during Jun’s time as part of Lilith. Considering all of that, it made no sense for Jun to not put trust on Ibara from a business perspective; Ibara would bring out the best of Jun as a producer, Jun would perform, and they’d split the profits. In fact, Ibara’s skills as a businessman and as a producer was so good for his age that it was almost inhuman. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun went to the next best option; that his curiosity for this was so strong that it was almost painful. But then that begged the question: why was he so curious anyway? Jun thought about the thing that caused all of this: the hug. He had never felt his performance anxiety go away so quickly before; not even Hiyori could do that to him. It felt so unnatural that Jun was sure that something else was at play. He thought about the amount of emotional distress he put himself through when he thought about Ibara dying, and then feeling nervous when he found out that Ibara would be taking his lesson instead of Hiyori, and then his frustration at not being able to express himself in front of Ibara...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun was so close to connecting the dots, but his brain came up with nothing and he had to stop himself from sighing out loud to avoid disturbing Kohaku. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>At the next Eden live…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>It was happening all over again. Jun was so ready to break something because he desperately wanted to be able to go back to the time when he had his nerves in check and not have to hug people to deal with shit that he previously had under control.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jun-kun, it’s bad weather to not ask your senpai for help when you clearly need it!” Hiyori exclaimed, immediately sensing Jun’s unease. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’ll be fine, Ohii-san…” He knew that there was no point in lying when Hiyori could see through those words, but he didn’t want to trouble his senior. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Are you sure though? You don’t look so good to me…” Suddenly Hiyori grabbed Jun’s hands.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Hey! Don’t suddenly-”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Let me help you warm your hands up for you!” The green-haired man beamed, as if somehow smiling more was going to help the situation (it didn’t). Hiyori’s hands were significantly warmer than his.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not even that cold today and your hands are freezing!” Hiyori commented. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah, it happens sometimes.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“They’re so cold that I’ll probably get my own hands cold by touching yours, I don’t want to warm them up anymore.” Jun’s hands were freed, but then his body was not as Hiyori hugged him, front on. “I’ll warm you up this way instead!”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I… can’t breathe…” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“... Hiyori-kun. You shouldn’t hug Jun so tightly like that.” Nagisa suggested.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yes yes, but I don’t get any satisfaction out of it without using some strength!”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I agree with His Excellency, it wouldn’t be good to have Jun pass out before we’re about to go on stage.” Ibara added.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine.” Hiyori pouted, loosening his hug. While the warmth was welcoming, Jun couldn’t feel his senior’s heartbeat, probably because he wasn’t pressed up against him. “I’m not letting you go until you feel better, Jun-kun!” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It’s okay, Ohii-san, you can let me go.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You’re saying that as you hug me back, I didn’t know you could be so cute!” Jun didn’t even notice his arms going around Hiyori until he pointed it out.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Shut up, I’m not cute.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“But you’re just hugging me tighter! I know, I’m amazing at spotting and picking up things that are adorable!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was suddenly apparent to Jun that he was doing so in order to try and feel Hiyori’s heartbeat. Since when did he become so needy for physical intimacy, and why did the heartbeats of others calm him down so much? It was almost as if that sensation was becoming a drug and Jun was addicted already, and this was an act of desperation just so he could get his fix. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Ohii-san, stop wriggling around and let me feel your heartbeat.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Oh~ so that’s what it was about. Let’s take off our coats so it becomes easier~” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Jun slipped off the coat of his Eden outfit, he couldn’t help but glance at Ibara. The man with glasses had seated himself on one of the chairs, tablet in hand, paying no attention to what was happening between the Eve duo. Nagisa sat beside him, seemingly deep in thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hiyori wasted no time in resuming the hug, his arms going around Jun’s upper back. This hug felt completely different to Ibara’s, and Hiyori really felt like the sun with an overpowering warmth that threatened to swallow him. The older man was definitely hugging tighter, and his heartbeat was almost at resting pace, even though they had just had a bit of warm up recently. Jun tried to connect with it, but the thought of Hiyori being dead calm right before the live (while Jun was almost losing control of himself) wasn’t making things any better; it only served to increase the amount of self-depreciation he rained upon himself for being so nervous. Hiyori, completely oblivious to Jun’s thoughts, quietly hummed in contentment.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Alright everyone, it’s almost time, let’s get going!” Ibara announced, setting his tablet down and getting to his feet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How was it, Jun-kun? Did you like my hug?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah, it helped I guess…” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Hmm… it doesn’t look like it did very much…” Hiyori put a hand on his chin.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’ll be okay, I just need some alone time.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You mean alone time with Ibara?” Jun panicked a little internally.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Sorry, Ohii-san.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“There’s no need to be sorry! You do what you need to do to get yourself all fired up for the performance, and then we can talk about this later, okay?” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah. I’ll see you in a bit.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hiyori put his coat back on and led Nagisa out of the room with him. Ibara was already moving to remove his coat.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I expected Ohii-san to react a little more dramatically.” Jun commented, closing the distance between him and Ibara.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I would have thought so too. Let’s get this over and done with.” Ibara replied. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun initiated the hug, wrapping his arms around Ibara’s lower back, and Ibara did the same. This embrace felt infinitely more soft and tender; even though they had quite a bit of contact, it wasn’t as if Jun was almost being crushed into his partner. Ibara wasn’t holding on tightly at all, in fact he was only pulling just enough for Jun to feel it, as if he only wanted to put in the minimal amount of effort required to make it count as a hug. His heartbeat was just as Jun remembered from the first time they hugged: fast and strong.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe Ibara’s heartbeat felt better because it was going at a similar pace to his own. Jun could still hear his own heartbeat pounding loudly in his head, though it was not as loud as before being hugged, and while they were beating at different times, the tempo wasn’t drastically different. Then there was the body temperature; Ibara was pretty much the perfect amount of heat while Hiyori was too warm, and Jun quickly got comfortable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun didn’t realise that one of his hands had crept up Ibara’s back until they broke the hug. The producer scanned Jun for a brief moment before putting his coat back on.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Hugs really do the trick.” Ibara commented, satisfied with his assessment.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’m feeling a lot better now, thanks.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I think we should get to the bottom of this problem after this live, but for now, let’s focus on the performance.” Ibara began to walk towards the door.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Wait.” Jun said suddenly, a strange tight feeling surfacing in his chest.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What is it?” Ibara turned around. Jun didn’t know what he was doing and why, but something inside him was making him speak words that rolled off his tongue so naturally that for a moment, he had no doubt in what he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ibara looked at Jun. Jun’s panic grew more and more as the silence stretched out.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“S-sorry, I just said that without thinking-”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“We shouldn’t keep His Excellency and His Highness waiting.” Ibara turned his back to Jun and headed out the door. Jun stayed in shock for a brief moment before he finally regained proper control of himself and hurried out to meet with the rest of Eden.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was late into the night by the time Jun returned to his dorm and even though he was exhausted, he couldn’t stop thinking about what he said to Ibara in the waiting room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t believe that he told </span>
  <em>
    <span>Ibara Saegusa</span>
  </em>
  <span> of all people that he loved him, and Jun wasn’t even sure of his own feelings towards him. Why did he say it? There were a billion different things he could have said in the moment. Hell, he could have said nothing and that would have made this situation significantly easier, but no, his own stupid ass had to say words that he didn’t even know the meaning of. Hiyori and Nagisa had mentioned it a couple of times, but he had never been part of a proper discussion regarding what love was. Up until now, Jun just thought of it as this foreign concept that he was supposed to be understanding as an idol, but somehow didn’t. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He recalled Hiyori explaining it to Nagisa briefly, and Nagisa learning that the definition of love differed from person to person, and that only added to the confusion. Jun only knew of the romantic love, which was some kind of attraction to a person that made you want to be with them, but this information was only from others and he had no clue what it felt like himself. He definitely didn’t feel this way towards Ibara; Jun cared about him, and he’d give up his life for Ibara, but he would have been happy to do the same for the rest of Eden, so that didn’t count.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun thought back to that moment in the waiting room, trying to understand the person that said it right then and there, but it was almost as if the Jun Sazanami back then was a completely different person because he couldn’t decipher what was going through his mind. Did he say it because deep down, he really had feelings for Ibara? He didn’t know what was going on, nothing made sense and he wanted to scream, and he desperately wished that someone could do the thinking for him. He was so desperate that he decided to take a stroll, so he quickly changed out of his pyjamas, brought his phone and keys with him, and quietly slipped outside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The night air was always refreshing. Jun didn’t dare to stray too far from his dorm as it was dangerous, but despite it, he always found walks alone to be therapeutic. In the past, part of the reason was because he didn’t have Hiyori nagging beside him, but he lived separately from the other Eve member now. Usually whenever he walked, he focussed on the sight of the empty streets dimly illuminated by the streetlights and the moon, but this time, he was unable to completely tear his mind off Ibara and the phrase that he had so carelessly spoken.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>A few days later…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun wanted to talk to Ibara, but there were two problems. One was finding a time when they could meet, because Ibara’s schedule was packed and Jun speculated that it would be almost impossible to squeeze into it, plus he had his own schedule to work around too. The second problem was building up the willpower to send the text, because Jun wanted to talk to Ibara about what he had said in the waiting room, but he had to find some kind of excuse to be able to meet with him. Jun was sure that Ibara was going to instantly reject his request if it was about feelings or emotions, and there was only so much he could make up. Ibara was fortunately (and unfortunately for Jun in this situation) a very smart person.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun rolled around in bed after a day of work, his phone in his hand. He had been thinking about what to send to Ibara for the past thirty minutes and the more he thought about it, the more nervous he got. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“... Fuck it.” He thought aloud, typing up some message about wanting to meet Ibara in his office to talk about having extra practice lessons. Just when he sent it, he realised that Ibara could just say that no in-person meeting was required and he’d either discuss the details over the phone or by text. To Jun’s surprise, Ibara responded almost immediately, saying to meet him at his office at 4PM tomorrow because it was a time when both of them were free. The butterflies in his stomach began to intensify at the realisation that their meeting would happen so soon; Jun had expected to have more time to mentally prepare himself, but now that he didn’t have much, he had to scramble to try and get himself into shape mentally.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun finally understood why Ibara planned almost everything. The security of scripting something was tempting, but Jun wasn’t a shrewd tactician and if things began to fall apart, he didn’t trust himself enough to come up with something else on the spot. Even though he had worked with Ibara for quite some time, Jun had the feeling that there was so much about him that he still didn’t know about, and he kept a mental note to always stay sharp in case Ibara threw a curveball at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next day, Jun turned up on time, taking a deep breath before knocking on the door. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Ah, Jun! Come in.” Ibara wore his trademark smile as Jun entered and took a seat. “You wanted to increase the amount of practice that you’re doing?” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah. I feel like I need to work harder to keep up with everyone else.” Jun just had to hang on until he found an opportunity to talk about what he really wanted to talk about.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You should also be looking out for your physical and mental state. Overworking yourself is never good, especially as an idol.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I don’t want to be left behind, so I’d like to put in some extra hours.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“How do you feel about the amount that you’re practicing currently?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It feels fine right now, but I think I can do more.” Ibara paused to think.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Alright. I can schedule in some more practice hours for you, and then evaluate your performance to see if anything has improved. However, your health is your number one priority and if you think that it is too much, please contact me as soon as possible. Understood?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Understood.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Okay! That’s out of the way.” Ibara turned to his computer to type something up. Jun guessed that he was probably making a note of their discussion today. When Ibara turned back to face Jun, his expression had changed. He was still smiling, but it was like Jun was looking eye to eye with a snake that was ready to strike at any moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, what’s the real reason you came to me today?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun would have been lying if he wasn’t intimidated, and his mind stopped working for a moment. Ibara used this chance to continue. “If you planned on taking your sweet time, unfortunately I’m in no position to be unproductive, so I’d appreciate it if you got to the point quickly~” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I…” The words stuck in Jun’s throat. He almost cursed aloud. “I wanted to talk about what happened before our most recent live.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Oh, you mean that? Did you want to talk to me about your reliance on hugs? As much as I’m not well-versed in those kinds of experiences, I’m happy to do some extra work to help since I’m your producer and all!” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I- um… yeah.” Jun’s brain turned to mush.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then I have a very simple solution: you will only go to big events as a part Eden!”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Hasn’t that been the case ever since ES was established?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yes it has indeed, but now I know to take extra precautions to make sure that I will always be there to provide the necessary support.” Jun realised that Ibara had figured out that Hiyori’s hugs didn’t cut it, otherwise he would have mentioned Eve as well. Was Ibara just accepting that he was the only person who could calm Jun down without thinking any more of it?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Sorry for having to trouble you like this, Ibara.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It’s definitely no trouble! Your mental health is of extreme importance, if I don’t help you out with this, any failures that Eden goes through because of you will be all my fault, you know!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure that you’re okay with this?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Of course! How many times do I have to reassure you that I’m fine?” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“... Ah, yeah. Sorry for making you have to repeat yourself.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No need to apologise! I’m glad to hear that you’re looking out for me~” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>An awkward silence.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You still look like you have something else to say, Jun.” Ibara spoke first.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah, um…” Jun fidgeted in his seat. Ibara’s gaze did not soften at all, but he had to push on. It was far, far too late to back down now. “When I said I wanted to talk about what happened back then, I wanted to talk about what I said.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“...” Ibara visibly stiffened. Jun continued.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“At first I didn’t know why I said it, but… I’ve been thinking about it over the past few days, and I kind of realised that deep down, maybe I really feel that way towards you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ibara laughed hard. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I deeply apologise, I couldn’t contain it! Frankly, I have no idea what you’re talking about!”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No, you do. I know you don’t like talking about feelings and you reacted when I mentioned it, so you must remember.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Ahaha, you saw right through my lie~” Ibara grinned. Jun didn’t like where this was going. “There are plenty of people out there who hug their friends on a regular basis, and they’re not in love!”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I…”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You’re not completely sure of what your feelings are, isn’t that right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The atmosphere had completely flipped. Jun was beginning to doubt himself, but he quickly regained his footing when he thought about how Ibara was uncomfortable with this kind of topic. It was most likely his way of trying to escape.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You’re right, I don’t really know what this feeling is, but it’s something and I’m sure of it.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“And you call it love?” Ibara’s gaze burned right into Jun’s soul, his voice dropping with venom.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“And I know that there’s something there within you, you’re just not willing to admit it!”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“How did you come to such a ridiculous conclusion?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You were so willing to hug me even though other solutions existed and you hated hugs, you remembered what I said, even just the way you hug me is-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if I said that there were no feelings behind anything that I did? We may have worked together for a long time now, but I highly doubt that you know me well enough to be able to say that I feel that way.” Jun hated to admit it, but Ibara was right. “I don’t appreciate it when people think that they are closer to me than they actually are.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Can you really safely say that we’re still only business partners when you organise for us to have lunch whenever possible to improve our teamwork? That’s not just improving teamwork, it’s bonding! Plus-”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“And you want to take our relationship step further because you think you love me and you think I love you back.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun had never seen Ibara so angry before and it was terrifying. He opened his mouth but nothing came out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... Do you even know what love is?” Ibara lowered his voice.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No, but-”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Then this conversation is over.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“But I want to understand-” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Didn’t I say to drop the discussion? Please leave.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Ibara-”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Leave. Now.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun stood up and made his way towards the door.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“... Please forget that I said anything at that time.” He said, his back facing Ibara.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Don’t worry, I will.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next time Eden ate lunch together, Ibara acted like nothing had happened. Jun did his best to act naturally, but when Hiyori gave him a concerned look, Jun couldn’t help but feel unsettled, and quickly broke eye contact. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Group practice later that evening went by with no issues, except Ibara and Jun were the last to leave as Hiyori and Nagisa needed to be elsewhere. For some reason, Jun found an urge to talk, but right as he gathered the courage to, Ibara had already left the room, closing the door behind him. Jun laughed at himself as he felt tears begin to form, thinking about how pathetic he had become.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jun-kun! What’s wrong?” Jun cursed that he had practice with Hiyori later that week, and even though he tried to hide his emotional pain, Hiyori was able to see right through him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s nothing, Ohii-san… I’ve warmed up already, so can we start with the lesson?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No! You can’t practice without the right mindset, that’s bad weather!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun sighed. His chest had been feeling painfully tight ever since that meeting with Ibara.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Are you cancelling the lesson?” Jun asked.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“No, you’re going to tell me what’s been happening!” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I don’t want to talk about it.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Jun-kun!” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Can you please leave me alone?” Hiyori did exactly the opposite, rushing forward at speeds Jun didn’t even know was possible. It was too late to react and by the time he had realised what was happening, he had been reduced to a laughing mess on the floor as Hiyori tickled him to oblivion.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Goddamn, stop it, Ohii-san!” Jun managed. He tried to swat Hiyori hands away but Hiyori was too deft, dodging all of Jun’s efforts with ease while targeting all of his weak spots.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Not until you’ll tell me what happened!” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Okay fine fine, I get it, just stop tickling me!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hiyori beamed and backed away, intently gazing at Jun. Jun spent a moment catching his breath as he sat up. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“... So… I’ve been hugging Ibara.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Huh?! You’ve been hugging him instead of me whenever I leave you alone?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Why?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’ve been feeling really, really nervous before big events lately and I don’t know why… but hugging him and feeling his heartbeat calms me down a lot.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Am I not good enough? Jun-kun, I’m so hurt!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Everything is good except for how you keep on squeezing me too hard.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“How could Ibara’s hugs be better than mine? That makes no sense, that guy hates being close to people both physically and emotionally!” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I don’t know why he was willing to hug me either.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Well… so, what happened? Are you just depressed that he decided not to hug you anymore? Because I can easily replace him!”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It’s not that, Ohii-san…”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Then come on! Spit it out, Jun-kun!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I… I think I like him.” Hiyori froze at Jun’s words.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You think?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I’m not super confident about it, but I know that there’s some feelings.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You mean, </span>
  <em>
    <span>like</span>
  </em>
  <span> like?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah.” Hiyori was so stunned that he didn’t even respond. “I think I had been feeling it for a while, just that I never realised it properly until we started hugging.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Jun-kun! How dare you fall in love with someone who isn’t me!”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Sorry Ohii-san, I can’t control who I like, you know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mhmm, but that’s one thing that makes love so beautiful!” Hiyori raised his arms dramatically. “So, what happened between you and Ibara?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Ibara rejected me.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It doesn’t look like he just rejected you, you wouldn’t look sadder than a soaked puppy if it was only a rejection. Tell me what else happened.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun felt a lot like he was a crying child running up to a parent for comfort after being hit by another child.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I wanted to know why Ibara was willing to help me and he got angry, that’s all.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“If he’s that defensive about it, he might actually be caring and he’s just in deep, deep denial~” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah, I tried to point that out to him and… well… I ruined our relationship. He still treats me well on the outside since he’s the producer and all, but I’m sure that he wouldn’t want to talk to me about anything that wasn’t about work.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Well then, I’ll sort it out for you!” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Huh? Ohii-san, Ibara is-”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yes yes, but if he can navigate so well around people, then so can I!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think it’s wise to underestimate him.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Don’t worry about it! Consider the problem solved before our next event!”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Are you sure?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You shouldn’t be underestimating me either, Jun-kun!” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Alright then, I’ll leave it up to you.” Jun thought that there was some upper limit to Hiyori’s happiness, but he was wrong. Hiyori was practically glowing and it was infectious.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, aren’t we supposed to be practicing?” Jun asked.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I was so busy thinking of what to say to that vile snake that I forgot!”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Well, I’m all ready to go.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Good to see that you’re all fired up, what fine weather!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Time is up, good practice, everyone!” Ibara announced at the end of the next Eden group practice session. Nagisa smiled and nodded in agreement and everyone headed towards their belongings. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jun.” Ibara calling out to him was so sudden that he almost jumped out of his skin.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What is it?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Do you have some time? I’d like to talk to you for a moment.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun’s stomach dropped. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yes, I have some time.” He desperately tried not to sound nervous. Hiyori overheard the exchange and put a hand on Jun’s shoulder, giving him a reassuring look. Ibara must have wanted to speak with him because of Hiyori.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Nagisa-kun, come with me, I have a surprise I’d like to show you before we go back to the dorms today!”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“... Okay. I look forward to it.” The leader of Eden gently smiled and soon, Hiyori led him out of the room. Jun didn’t know whether Hiyori was using it as an excuse to get Nagisa to leave him and Ibara alone or whether he actually had a surprise, but from the way Nagisa lit up, Jun guessed that Hiyori really had prepared something. Lying to Nagisa was borderline impossible if he knew the other person well, and considering he and Hiyori were childhood friends, the prospect of them doing half of their communication via telepathy wasn’t out of question.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I apologise for my actions!” Ibara started, a smile on his face. Jun was severely confused until he realised that the producer was talking about that time when he was rejected. “Perhaps I should not have been so scathing in my response!” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Maybe I’d accept your apology if you looked and sounded more sincere.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I am as sincere as I can be!”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Please cut it out, Ibara. You don’t sound sorry at all.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Well, I have followed all of the instructions I have been given. There was no specifying how I expressed myself so I decided to add my own flare to it~” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“... Ah. So Ohii-san told you to apologise.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Precisely!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t accept your apology.” Jun stated flatly.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You asked me to forget about that incident.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“... That’s true.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Then why are you dragging this out? When you said that, you wanted this to end, right?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Because-”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“It’s because of your feelings, right?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You’re just begging for the truth at this point, right? If that’s the case, I’ll tell you.” Ibara’s voice turned dark and Jun braced himself.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“What do you mean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Haven’t you ever considered how love can hurt, how it’s a weakness? You love someone, they hurt you, and that pain is magnified because of your feelings. You love someone, someone else wants to hurt you, they can drag your loved one into the whole mess that only you were supposed to handle. How would you feel if His Highness was hurt? Of course it would hurt you too, but if you had loved him, you would have suffered infinitely more. Love is a poison, and it’s a poison that I would never want to deal with. I hope you understand this much, Jun. If you don’t, then I have nothing more to say to you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... I understand, Ibara.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Good! I’m glad that I don’t have to deal with stupidity!” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“But… I want to say that love can do so many good things too. You see all of those non-special students being treated like slaves? They all have to find ways to get by and hang on to life, and for some of them, love is the answer. They can find happiness like no other with their loved one.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Happiness? We’re not kids anymore. We’re adults, we’re in a world where nothing matters except power and money. Life becomes significantly easier when you think of people as numbers. Love doesn’t fill the stomach.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“But it fills the heart. We all have hearts, even you, because we’re all human.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Ahaha~ but I’m not really human, am I?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun really wished that he didn’t have to face Ibara’s ugly side, but he knew that he had to do this. If he wanted to prove to himself that his feelings were real and genuine, he would need to embrace every part of Ibara, including the side that he only showed when he was backed into a corner. Jun would have been lying if this discussion wasn’t already hurting him on an emotional level, not only because Ibara was throwing everything at him, but talking about emotions hurt Ibara too and Jun didn’t like that. He thought about the times when he saw Ibara unable to control his laughter as he schemed, the way he lit up as Eden gathered, and the smile on his face after a successful live show. Jun wanted to be able to go back in time and see those expressions again, but here he was, facing an Ibara that desperately wished to run away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re just like the rest of us! I’m sure that deep down, you want to care about something, or have someone care about you, because you were denied that in your childhood.” Jun recalled the days when his father changed, and how much he desperately wanted to be treated like a human, and then realising that those days of suffering were over when Hiyori took him under his wing. At that time, warm sunlight had shone into his darkness for the first time in his life and while Hiyori was annoying and all, he couldn’t have been more thankful. Then there was the rest of Eden, and when that darkness threatened to return… Ibara was there.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Are you pitying me for my past?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“But it’s true. I know this because that’s exactly how I felt growing up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t know anything about me, Jun.” Ibara growled. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You don’t even know how </span>
  <em>
    <span>you’re</span>
  </em>
  <span> feeling, Ibara!”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Feelings don’t matter in the business world. Of course, you wouldn’t be able to understand this since you were never a part of it.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Haven’t you realised it already? Your plans are always flawed because you don’t understand how others feel!”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Did you get your hearing damaged, perhaps? Or do you need me to repeat myself?”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“You’re not dealing with chess pieces, you’re dealing with humans that can think, feel, and act on those feelings! How can you expect to control them if you can’t understand how they work? There’s no way you can begin to understand them if you can’t even understand how you’re feeling.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“...” Ibara continued to glare at Jun, but behind those glasses, his eyes were displaying more than just anger. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Ibara.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“...”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I want you to seriously reflect on yourself. I don’t know for sure what you’re feeling because I’m not you, but it’ll make life a lot easier and better if you know what your feelings are and why you feel them. It’ll make your plans better, and… maybe it’ll help you to be a bit happier too.” </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun was sure that he had drawn out Ibara’s true colours. Behind a mask of flattery, backhanded compliments, and schemes, Ibara was just a jumbled mess of emotions that had never seen the light of day until now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll wait for as long as you need. I don’t care if I have to wait until the end of time, but please promise me that you’ll answer as the real Ibara Saegusa.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jun acted like he was the one with all the power in that conversation, but it only served to increase his anxiety around Ibara because he never knew when Ibara was going to talk to him about it. It also turned out that the upcoming live show would be a battle with the other units of the big three: fine and Knights. Jun did not want to pull Eden down by being the weak link. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t know whether to be relieved or not when Hiyori left the waiting room with Nagisa, winking to Jun on his way out. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“I know we’re up against fine and Knights, but we are stronger than them. As long as you believe that, there will be no problems.” Ibara spoke as he put down his tablet and adjusted his glasses. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Yeah.” An awkward silence passed between the two. Jun tried to focus on his breathing, but just thinking of the performance ahead was causing him to tremble ever so slightly. Even in the warmup and the small amount of practice they had on the day, Jun felt that his body could spin out of control at any moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jun snapped out of his thoughts when he heard a sigh and suddenly Ibara was standing right in front of him with his coat removed.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“This live holds an incredible amount of importance. I can’t have you underperforming today.” Jun didn’t respond, taking off his coat as he pushed his feelings as far back as he possibly could. He did his best to accept that Ibara was most likely doing this just because he was a producer who wanted the best of Jun and Eden, nothing more. He wished that he didn’t have to show Ibara that he was shaking, but Ibara was giving him no choice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Jun stepped forward to wrap his arms around Ibara, Ibara had already beaten him to it, and Ibara’s arms went around his upper back as he buried his face into Jun’s shoulder. Jun didn’t have time to be surprised as his mind immediately went to Ibara’s heartbeat. It was fast, a lot faster than Jun had anticipated, as if Ibara was nervous about something other than the performance. And Ibara was so warm; Jun was reminded again at how comfortable Ibara was to hug. Maybe the feelings were amplifying things, and Jun could only hug back; the amount of intimacy Ibara was giving to him caused something inside him to break. If only this moment could last forever, Jun thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There weren’t many people in the world who could match Ibara when it came to practiced smiles, but when they broke the hug, this smile was definitely not one of those ones. Right at that moment, everything else was irrelevant; their performance, the rest of Eden waiting for them at the entrance to the stage, the roar of the crowd that they were about to perform to. The only thing that was in Jun’s sight was Ibara, his presence radiating so much light that it was impossible to escape from.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“Let’s… let’s explore what love is together, Jun.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a sudden knock on the door from the outside.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“We’re coming!” Ibara called. He and Jun quickly put their coats back on, and then Ibara was holding Jun’s hand, leading him as they ran towards the exit of the waiting room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ibara gave Jun one last glance before they headed out, and that was when their heartbeats were in sync.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Happy JunIba Day.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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